Feining Stability
08:07 PM CST
Eck, I just don't know what it is really. I need something funny to happen, something good. the guest is visiting and well, it's not that I don't like him, but he always seems to find a time to come when things aren't quite right. maybe he should've come last weekend. I was busy taking pictures and seemingly okay despite the consequences of what occured before that weekend began. I was too busy and for some reason things had a better form about them. this weekend seems *doomful* ...I haven't had to say that in awhile, but this one just doesn't feel right. I feel like today should be sunday, but it's friday. that makes it even worse when I feel a premonition so soon.
I've been snipping at everyone in my path too. it ain't right cause I feel all guilty afterwards and wonder why I had to be all pitiful like that. I mean, just cause I'm not feeling right, doesn't mean I have to take it out on innocent bystanders or not so innocent. it doesn't matter. I even felt myself getting abit miffed at lindsey for saying she had her own online life to take care of when I mentioned she should join the forum for its last days. I don't know....we'll never have something like it back again. why does she do this? why do my friends or relatives in general refuse my small favours? I do sooo much for everyone else. I try sooo hard and when I think about it, I don't get as much sentiment in return ....the only one who seems to care the most at times is mom and even she seemed to go "whatever" this weekend cause he's here. I don't want to seem bitchy. I just hate being alone with my thoughts when I feel like something's wrong.
*sniffle* I can't stop bursting into tears ....it's just everything. I'm not blaming the end of Squishy or any of that. it's just things just don't feel right. it feels like I lost something big and I don't know what it is cause I can't describe it. mom asked me what I meant and who and I could just say 'everybody' ...then I'd have to say 'except this person or this one...but him! and him! and that one..but not on that day' ...eck. I just feel like such a bitch even when my emotions are written out in my head, but saying it outloud would make me seem like I'm ratting on people when maybe it's not their fault. there are some rude people out there or those that don't give enough, but it seems I'm coming across them more. maybe it's just my battered mind this week that is making it seem that way cause as soon as I begin to try to explain, someone comes in and says 'what about this...?' or 'what about that person...?' and 'you're the one who doesn't want to do anything or want anyone's company..'
I think I'm a damn good friend ...that's what makes me angry if people make assumptions that I'm the brat! who else would compose mix cds as a surprise, make whole tributes of a journal site that was loved by millions, bid on an item ALOT just cause it might make a person happy to have it, buy off people's wishlists, do alot of things that I think I have in my predicament of not going out much? I do what I can. I think I'll just shutup....I just wanted to say it like it is.....
I think I'm still not quite right and maybe next week will be better. I need things to be better so I can be funny!! like I was in the beginning here....this is just a bad week...just a bad week.....breathe innnn breaathe oouuut. eck. *hiccup*
Comment Questions: Ever feel like a bitch for feeling what you do? No explaining ever helps?
* p.s. yeah, one of my gripes is that not enough people are using the comments feature; this site has been open for a full two and a half days, ya know? almost three....hah! like this plea will work, yo!
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7 Followers:
Sure, things aren't quite right now. But it'll all be better soon.
- 07.07.2001
01:10 AM - Awlbee Better
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who are you?
*scared*
- 07.07.2001
01:53 AM - Amber
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I'm Awlbee. I make things better. You want things to be better don't you?
- 07.07.2001
08:17 PM - Awlbee Better
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uhh, but who "are" you as in do I know you? are you automated? how did you find your way here?
I just get weary of anonymous people.
- 07.07.2001
08:44 PM - Amber
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just for the record, things aren't better now; they're worse. lindsey now refuses to join the forum for it's last days and she probably thinks I'm selfish now which I'm not; I don't think I'm anymore selfish than her or anyone else. plus, I do nice things for her all the time.
oh yeah, she blackmailed me by saying if I flew to Ohio then she'd join the forum...that's stupid. it's closing in four days and I 'was' even considering going, but now I'm not so sure.
- 07.08.2001
04:29 PM - Amber
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Sorry for the late reply. But I'm not surprized you don't remember me. No one ever does. No matter how often I speak, a little time is all thats required to wipe me from memory it seems. But I don't make things better for the glory. I do it because people are wrong. So very wrong. However, even making things OK takes time. But I'm working on it. I'll find them and make them better for you. I'll make them all better.
- 07.09.2001
10:21 PM - Awlbee Better
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um, you're freakin me out there buddy.
uhh...I'll just stop asking questions cause you're not making any valid answers and sneak out the back door erasing the marks of this thread which the rules weren't really followed and doesn't make sense.
applaud on making the front page and leave it at that. you're funny I admit, but noooo...
- 07.09.2001
10:44 PM - Amber
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