Still at the Heart of My Everything
11:45 PM CST
This afternoon, I woke up okay. listened to my discman in bed for awhile, concentrating really hard on nothing. then, I got up, went downstairs and grabbed the chocolate box. as soon as I saw the mixture all squished together in a corner of the box, I about lost it. I shook and pushed the box away. I yelled up to mom in a quavering voice, "moooooom!! something is wrong!!" and she thought I hurt myself or whatever ....when she came down all "what is it? what is it?!?" and I said "the chocolates are out of order" with a couple tears appearing in my eyes, she got snippity. "all that for this?"
Suddenly I got out a butter knife (should've gotten the butcher knife) and began chopping each chocolate in half to see what it was. one, I couldn't tell, so I took a bite then said, "ew, I think this is caramel!" and stuck it back in telling mom not to eat that one. I forgot I did that till awhile ago cause I was in such a suckity mood, seeing red and didn't realise I did something rude like that. now, I semi-understand why she was abit mad at me for that get up. somehow, I wonder if knives are symbolism for something - why I like taking them out whenever I'm mad, but doing trivial things with them? I never cut myself; I never throw it at anyone; I do seem to get this sinister look on my face when I whip it out though (that could have bad connotations). it isn't the sort where I have the urge to do something evil with it, like stab someone, but it makes me think I have power. chopping something gets out my anger. without it, I have no tool with which to let it all out. perhaps that's why I used it as the perfect excuse for the chocolate debacle. upset? why the hell not? I didn't even want the chocolate that bad. I'm running out of things to do that require the use of a knife when I'm angry. one day I'll just go all loco en la cabeza (woo! I doubt I said that correctly!) and start twirling knives in the air sayin' "take that mofos! damnit! owww...OW! I dropped...um, I dropped it on my foot! OWWOWOOWOWO!" yes, I'm a klutz. that would not be as cool as it would be in my head. I picture much dirty ninja action. not that sort've action though.
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Anyway, knives...aaah knives...that made me feel abit better about my sadness. I'm such a pick me up and so is Squishy chat on AIM.
So, reason I'm so down. lustiness. I cannot stop thinking about certain things late at night when no one is distracting me. last night, I had to read about yardwork to get my mind off of things. diversion is sometimes hard though since it usually comes back. I just want something - I don't know what, but it somehow hurts that I need so much. I feel like such an idiot. I get whatever else I want in this world - even without hardly any money - I don't have to do anything I don't want; I can watch anime all day and eat cookies all night if I want. no one is stopping me. instead, I sit here and read journals, check forums and get sad over not having someone who cares about me after reading about people who are happy. perhaps someone does, but I'm so confused, I don't ever know if it's sincere.
I could say I don't care; I just want someone to touch me till I feel okay. bah to that though. I want the emotional bond, too. I've never ever, ever, ever had someone care in that way about me. I'm usually everyone's friend to talk to about other girls. started right from high school. why should I expect anything else? sometimes I'm the cute, but untouchable one. I don't get that at all. I don't see myself as much. then again, I see myself as enough. whatever. perhaps I'm not.
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Whoa, that got depressing. I mean, perhaps I'm just having a sad spell. I seriously didn't want to come off as needy. oh no, not me, uh uh. I'm not worried about dying alone. not me, not me, not me. heh. I do wish to feel a spark between someone though and have someone lay next to me and want to be there and not go. sometimes I wonder why I want it though. I've had touch before and it was nice, but somehow I have to ache for that person for months to have it mean more. it's a bad habit with me. those I ache for, I never get. it's just unattainable. I kept up a charade with a guy for three years while he just talked about other girls he supposedly was seeing, but I only saw him talking to them at the basketball court and never going out with them. he was always at my house on the phone. he'd ignore me except to ask me to put a disc in or challenge him to a game, so he could beat my ass or ..or get him food, a drink, whatever. maybe I deserved that though. for being so pathetic. just sitting there in a stupor, staring at him for three years wherever he was. at school, I'd point and go "there he is! there he is!!" and talk about how I'd get him to go to dances with me where he'd be forced to dance. he never did. the closest I got to touching him was by playing stupid games. game upon game upon game. it was like a soap opera except not as extreme. the games wouldn't hurt people later in life. just games where I'd get to tackle him and sit on him for as long as I wanted. some of these games were made up on the spot for that exact purpose. mom still tells me he was probably just scared cause we were practically siblings whenever I mention where the curse started in my lineup of rejection. all goes back to when I was 13. I should be triumphing by now...damn the man.
Geeeez, this just got depressing again. at least I semi-*know* why I feel so awful. lustiness and wanting someone is bad cause we all know it goes nowhere ever even if it seems hopeful for two seconds. I'm sure one day I'll be proven wrong - I sure hope it's soon or I'll feel a need to get drunk ...bwah!
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Ninjas ...knives... hm..sandwiches.... uh no, no, ninjas....ah yes, knives and ninjas. hopefully tonight won't be a lonely night. must divert thoughts to knives. anything need to be chopped up?
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