Never Existed
10:19 PM CST
I think I spent aprox. twenty minutes outside yesterday going through that ordeal. I did see two lizards scamper across the ground in front of me. the highlight of the outing. the sun showed itself maybe three times the whole time I was out there. maybe the top of my head got abit of sunlight. I was mostly hunched over in the lawnchair trying to concentrate on not losing my place in the book.
A chapter was read since I felt the need to stop at a definite stopping point despite being frustrated. someone dies in part one, but I guess that isn't relevant.
This sunlight treatment is sort've good though. going outside feels semi-healthy. I feel I can breathe better even when I don't feel well indoors. even if I feel abit nauseous from actual wind. actual wind messes with my sinuses.
Today I decided to try going out again since the sun was definitely out without an overcast glimmer in sight. it was around 5:30pm. mom decided to join me by the pool instead of me just bringing out the lawnchair again out back like before. it was peaceful for awhile. I sat there listening to the noises and looking around me at all the houses alongside me. the chipper feel to everything, the blue sky, white clouds. I just looked up and around me. abit of panic overcame me, but I stayed quiet and looked at the water. I tried to concentrate on the words within my book. I tried not to stray to thoughts of longing. wishing there was someone next to me to enjoy the weather with. mom was there, but she decided to grab one of the reclining seats and lay there on the other side which was far, far away.
In the book, there was a divorce in this chapter. geez, this book is not the type to take out and enjoy the weather I guess. at the end, there was talk of love, but that it didn't matter. I felt a sense of dread over the day. it was getting to the point of ending. I uncurled myself from the blue chair - saw some kids running outside the gates with their mother I assume - slid on my italian slides and made a TON of noise on the way over to mom telling her I was finished and we should go now. she thought perhaps it was the people arriving that made me want to leave, but no. it was the fact that I was through reading and well, I felt the need to brood over the end of that chapter indoors. I took one look back and saw them coming in; mother in bathing suit, towel wrapped around it and sunglasses on; little boys in swim trunks. we exited the way we came in.
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As soon as we came in, I mentioned I was going to read abit more on the couch downstairs and open a window, so it would be like I was outside without that pesky breeze. she thought I meant I was going to actually *open* a window and got confused. I meant pull the blinds up and let the sunlight in... anyway, I took a seat after figuring out how to open it from the bottom and not the top. the sunlight trickled in and I could see the street. feeling that my hair was mussed up, I went to the powderroom to check for the hell of it.
One look in the mirror and I actually liked myself. I had some colour in my cheeks, my hair was perfectly wind swept and actually nice. my legs didn't even look horrible in my shorts like I usually think. I seemed perfectly normal looking and actually happy. funnily I wasn't happy, but seeing that I looked okay made me feel less stressed.
Sitting back on the couch with the book, I realised how much time I was wasting just thinking. I think alot. books can only take me away if they have no meaning to my current emotion hidden away. this current book is starting off abit sad and that's how I really feel lately. I feel a sense of heartbreak coming on and I haven't even gotten heartbroken in awhile. perhaps it's cause someone said I'm always messed up when it comes to those I like. I shouldn't take their word for it, but I do realise it's not the healthy sort of like eventually.
The sounds of a motorcycle, a person gagging and coughing while taking a jog, chatter surrounding me from outside the window. I realise I shouldn't even be sad cause nothing bad has occurred. perhaps it's cause I wish I was doing something else though really, I just want to be right there listening to the sounds with my book where no one can tell me I'm wasting my time.
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Watching The Bachelor tonight, I felt some sense of sadness for the one who got dismissed this time. I felt like I was like her in a way. I always cause conflict where there shouldn't be conflict. lately I've just been letting things go, but in the past, yeah. I made things ALOT more stressful than they should've been. she is that way though; that's her personality. I fear perhaps I need conflict to feel like I have a relationship in the works. I certainly caused enough conflict without meaning to do so before. really, maybe those I've actually had some sort of mutual bond with and ventured into a relationship (either physical/emotional) with, weren't really the ones I was after. I mean, I thought there was something there with shaun back in the fall, when really I only wanted there to be something cause no one ever liked me. I didn't want to be alone. I was at a point where I needed someone to talk to and I realised he wasn't it. he only pretended to care I think. I mean, things are working out perfectly okay for him now. I don't feel the least bit jealous, but I feel atad upset that I was the one to let him go and I have nothing to show for it; no one else. nothing. I cannot play the victim to him and I don't want to at all. I just feel I have no substance; I mean, for cause of attraction. I'm not anyone's true anything. just a distraction on the side.
Anyway, so, yeah. with J, I don't know. he was my chance to totally let go of shaun. I mean, I let go of him, but I was too chicken shit to tell him that I did. I figured if I didn't have proof I was over him, he'd try to convince me to stay in that going nowhere relationship. anyway, so, I guess that was a sign me and J wouldn't work either. it was nice while it lasted though. I figure it's like experience points of some sort. I'm not into rating people or looking for someone to rate, but it is nice to know I'm moving forward with my thinking on how relationships are; a few years ago, I was oblvious to anything beyond crushes that aren't recognised by the actual person. as I've said before, it was just talk. something to tell my friends at lunchtime.
Hmm...I'm unsure where this is going, but I'm just sayin' that nothing I've had has ever been real. I've never had that person I was completely serious about who was serious about me in the same way at any point; never can talk about the one who got away cause the ones I've had, I didn't care. this makes me abit sad and empty.
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The sunlight did make things better. a change in surroundings helps me not to think for awhile. when outside, I was just thinking about how my sinuses were making me nauseous. even the words sort've blurred together, but I somehow finished the section anyway.
Sometimes I wonder why I always get the deepest sadness when I want to let go.
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