Lots of Time Wasted Running From Desire
09:40 PM CST
I tried staying up to watch cartoons this morning. I got through that weird olsen twin one on abc, then I guess I passed out. I could feel pressure in my chest - it was hot in that room. it was like I was holding my breath. soon enough, I kept going in and out of sleep till 4pm. I just didn't feel like getting up. at least I didn't sit on my headphones like that one morning...that hurt like hell.
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In my dream, I was moving into an apartment by myself. rather weird. mom lived in the apartment below me and she was apparently going to pay my $600/month rent. I'm serious. I was showing some friends the place telling them how I was going to buy a new table and get rid of their shitty furniture that was strewn about. my friends found the place rather gross. I tried to find a nice area to sit, but there wasn't really a good spot. against the wall there was a huge theatre-esque big screen tv...it was almost like it was being projected on the wall and not really a tv at all. it had come with the complex plan. the one up point about living there. I hadn't really moved in yet, I just had my bookshelf lined up with books against a wall. I sat in the middle with the friends. I talked about how I could have people over late without a problem now (this didn't make sense since I can have people over as late as I want here really; mom doesn't care). I thought naughty thoughts.
Soon enough, I was at a furniture store like Pier one maybe...I don't know. I would've rather been at ikea. I picked out already made chairs. who knows. ran into someone who was hiding behind a bush. it was a guy. didn't know who he was. mentioned how I got a message at the complex about being kicked out if I didn't start paying. that I couldn't just throw my stuff in there and expect that to be enough. there was talk about my books being thrown out one by one if I didn't get to it. I worried that mom wouldn't pay the $600 that she promised and that it was being split between our two places (uh...yeah). I do believe I sat in that apartment alone towards the end just looking at my bookshelf and wondering when I'd get it together. don't we all wonder.
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The dream excited me in a way. I think it may represent I want some new beginning of some sort. I don't know. maybe I just want to be left alone with my own devices, but still have someone paying for me. I like it here though, so who knows. maybe it's just that I need something new for excitement cause I've been feeling out of sorts since last night. even shopping didn't help.
Yeah, I spent $300+ on clothing. I don't know why I bought a skirt besides the fact that I don't own one and lindsey thought I should go ahead; live on the edge...wahoo! wearing a skirt is living on the edge mah friend. maybe I'll feel more feminine or feel stupid cause I still hate my legs. either way....at least the bruises are disappearing. now I just have to stop banging into the desk when I twirl in the chair or walking into walls. that should prevent further mishaps.
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I got my new albums (or well, four of them) on Thursday. been listening to them ever since. over and over again. that Sad Like Crazy album is 22 tracks long; I found it funny that it said to email them if ya think it's too long. I actually like the length cause some albums end too shortly like Weezer lately. another barely even thirty minute one ...I think abit longer than the green album though. anyway, so yeah, Japancakes is definitely goth country. I feel like I'm riding through a graveyard or at a funeral. niiiice to mope around to really. the best track is Theme For a Film which sounds like a title stolen from a radiohead song via OK Computer if y'all know what I mean. it doesn't sound like that song though, so whatever. I also like the tracks after that one ...the first two songs droned on abit too long, so I didn't pay big attention. oh yes, that album only has six tracks on it total. all instrumental. y'all should pick it up.
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This evening I watched Bridget Jones's Diary finally. I liked it alot and I *heart* Hugh Grant :D
something about the british accent methinks. I've always quite liked him in all the movies I've seen that he's been in. I don't usually think about actors, but yeah. an exception to every rule. I also like Scott Foley (that's his name, right?) from Felicity (he plays Noel) ....I always was like if I was Felicity I'd take him. bwah!
Anyway, so yeah. the movie was good. it did push me more into depression though cause I started thinking that perhaps I'd only meet jerks or have flings till I'm in my 30's and still be writing in a diary ...or even worse, I don't even get flings. I just sit around in my pjs listening to depressing indie albums in the dark thinking about everything till I die. that's a lovely thought. at least the ending gave me *some* hope, but not enough at the moment.
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I stayed in my room till around 8:40pm watching Trading Spaces (sidenote: I just banged my big toe into the side of the desk and made a loud crashing noise as it wacked the door....the klutziness never ends!!) - I came out during a commercial to talk to mom and just watched the rest in there. it wasn't as snarky as usual. just the usual fan debacle. we need Frank and Ty damnit!! well, I like Vern, but it's his designs that are good; not the commentary. uh yes. I'd have him do my room anyday.
Now I'm about to have spinach pizza (and yes, I take it off; I just like the flavouring...shutup - I'm picky). the pressure in my chest sucks. I feel sluggish and my eyes burn. I told mom earlier that I think the pressure is psychological cause whenever I'm cheerful and my sinuses are bothering me, I don't have that pressure. I think the pressure is just the "pressure of doom" ...yes, I have to make everything dramatic per usual. mom agreed with me though and told me just to cheer up. laying in the dark with the blinds shut all day sort've reminded me of third grade when I spent the whole summer in a room with the blinds shut depressed. that freaked me out and I wanted to escape. at least I have no intention of spending my life in my room. now, spending my life in more than one room for awhile isn't as bad. the light doesn't hurt either.
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