Am I Quite That Bad? No, Really?
11:49 PM CST
I certainly don't mean to be "angsty" or whatever the term is now. oh yes, emo (cry me a frikkin' river). I've been rather passive all week; holding back cause I didn't want to ruin this visit in the least. before their arrival, I was afraid something I couldn't help would screw up the plans, soooo I didn't want my mood to effect anything if I could help it.
I tried as hard as I could to have a good time till the "vietnamese restaurant incident" (tm) [which I am realllly not still pissed about; honestly!] ....that really was still in the good time category considering we were sort've doing stuff and it was just a minor incident. I let it go by Saturday, took a shower, got ready for when they were to return from Kemah which I just didn't feel like tagging along for since it would just be for food. I figured we'd go to the record store once they were to return and all would be well. they'd have their fun. we'd have our fun; etcetc. it didn't happen that way. they returned by 10pm which is late for mom considering she tells me she absolutely cannot see once darkness hits (even with her glasses!).
Anyway, I did let that go as well figuring we'd go on Monday. I just kept being passive basically; as I said. I was just dropping the subject. I was rather bored though and feelings upon the subject were bubbling over. not for any one person, but just cause I could feel that my plans were not working out. I couldn't force any issues at all; I wasn't like that at all.
I'm only semi-mad now and it's *not* over any one person. I quite enjoyed all their company. it's just the principle of the manner. I just wish I tried harder to get us to do the four things I wanted to have done by the end: Best Buy trip, the record store, the pool and the anime marathon (I mean, I bought the dvds this month despite all the money I already spent cause I thought that's what we were going to do!). we didn't do any of those things at all. it just makes me angry despite what all we did do which, okay, wasn't much.
They went to Kemah twice and out to eat. I sat at home and did whatever I usually do online. when they'd return, lindsey and I would watch Undressed (or well, on the weekend, we'd just sit around and watch something else while she read a book) then spend time on the computer one at a time at different hours. I just feel that I should've fit in what I wanted to have fit in somehow. I should've tried harder. mom thinks I shouldn't beat myself up over how it turned out, but I cannot help it!
I can have my own anime marathon mahself, go to Best Buy, go to the pool *and* find a way to the record store on my own, but that isn't any fun really. well, okay, it may be semi-fun, but probably not *as* fun.
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After I let that anger fester, on Tuesday I let my crankiness be known ten-fold. I actively voiced my anger and refused to eat. really, it was abit childish, but yeah, I've been rather mellow the whole week (besides the incidents I mentioned previously which we have *forgotten*, okay?), so I don't see why having one voice of opinion in the matter is bad. it's better than exploding. I spoke in a rational tone; all I said was, "no, I'm not hungry. I'm cranky. it's rainy. I'm cranky and tired. no, I don't want to go to the record store." uh yes, you may be thinking: didn't you just say that's what you were trying to fit into the mental schedule??
Well, by that time, I felt my little plans had been shoved to the side for like four days now; I didn't want to just be second choice. plus, well, we couldn't fit all I wanted to do in one night anyway. oh yes, they went to Kemah again that day, soooo I didn't see them till later that evening. it was just the whole principle of it all as I said. I'm not mad at anyone for whatever they really wanted to do. I'm not suggesting they all had some sadistic plan to ignore what I planned and do things I absolutely would not want to do just to get me pissed off enough to kick things. who knows though. I just am not suggesting that's what they were trying to do.
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After staying up till 6am to burn mix cds for lindsey out of my collection (quite ALOT o' burnin' lemme tell ya) and waking up close to 10am, I was pretty worn out. I was wishing someone would give me a niiiice massage. ugh. I was worn out from not eating much the previous night due to proving a point (well, okay, it wasn't my intention, but the anger made me not want to eat, so I also decided it was proving a point since I could pretend I had West Nile...what? with the bite on my leg, the swelling in mah head and the wobbling from side to side from the wooziness; it helped that I was wearing a robe and socks when everyone else was hot).
Once I hugged them all goodbye and got up to see them off, it felt like they just arrived. I started to feel the sting of tears behind my burning eyes from lack o' sleep. I stood there leaning against the doorframe wishing I could take back the bad thoughts in my head despite not realllly voicing the entire matter of why even though I said I was cranky. I just wanted to pretend it was a good vacation overall. I wanted to pretend it was what I thought it would be in the end.
Once I rolled in bed with my discman and the Wilco album, I began to feel the tears trickle down my cheeks......barely. I haven't been able to really cry in two months or more. I felt helpless in this emptiness and whatever had built up inside I wanted to get rid of immediately. it wasn't nausea. it was a deep weight on my chest....ugh.
After getting up again around 2pm, I ate and ate and ate. then mom left. then it began to pour. then I was able to cry....enough to use up a whole kleenex. I sat there feeling empty yet at least the weight was gone.
I just wished I had a better view. there really were laughable moments. like...like the moment I said. "lindsey's IMing now" and they thought I was psychic. they didn't know I was all speedy mcjogger and had been upstairs and even had a semi conversation with lindsey while grabbing my glass. that? was some funny stuff! grandma had no idea what IMing was, but aunt jo jo did. they both laughed anyway since I seemed to be picking it up from a higher power...bwah!
Seeeee? good times.
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