Would They Sound As Stupid To You As I Think They Do
11:54 PM CST
So, I had quite a few hissy fits inbetween now and last week. I figured out what the deal was Saturday afternoon. I finally fell off the roof after not doing so since August. I was afraid something was seriously wrong considering I've been eating the same amount of food and doing the same things basically. I just noticed I'm not eating as many veggies. that's about it. perhaps that's what caused it ...who knows.
Saturday evening was a very excrutiating night. even the new Trading Spaces episodes weren't taking my mind off of it. I guess it had to come triple fold considering the long awaited visit. blargh. I rolled around mumbling about wanting to die and wouldn't somebody turn the dryer the hell off?!? at least mom was sympathetic considering I knew I was being abit assy.
She wasn't as forgiving on Thursday before it showed up though when I went off about using the credit card. she kept sayin' she didn't want to hear it right now and that we had no money, the interest rate was up and she couldn't pay them off as is at the moment. I kept feeling defeated since well, I usually don't lose in terms of where buying is concerned. in terms of people, I lose allll the time. um yes. at the time, I figured if I couldn't have friends to chatter and gossip with while playing video games and painting our nails, I might as well cheer myself up with some new clothes. this was my thought process at the time. I knew it seemed selfish knowing the money situation. I know in my rational state that money should not be spent right now. at least not with the credit card. of course, at this point, when she was laying in bed groggy eyed sayin' she didn't want to talk about it right now cause she was tired, I began to sniffle and said, "well, well...I didn't want to t..t..[voice crack] talk anyway. usually I would have just done it by now." she then told me I could, but if she went down, I'd go down, too (she may have said the last bit the next day or at some other date, but I threw it in here just cause it was a very dramatic line).
Anyway, by Friday (I think), we worked out somewhat of a deal. I'd use a card she doesn't use and somehow pay it off myself. only spend what I have and so forth. sounds fair enough. I plan to restrain from buying things anyway. I did it before. I don't know why now is any different considering I think I was more sad ass before. no friends (or well, not many), asexual in thought, not many things (ie: no nice tv in my room, no dvd player, less music, less books, slept on a mattress for awhile). I'm not sure what's different. perhaps cause I hadn't been in that state of mind for that long then. now it's getting old. that's my interpretation. perhaps I'm just a greedy bitch who blames out of control hissy fit reactions about money on pms.
Well, the point is that I'm getting some nice argyle socks (or sock as the case may be since the jury is still out on that one) just in time for the cool weather which is beginning. today made me happy for the first time in awhile. I pictured coloured leaves falling around my imaginary self while wearing a pair of socks and looking out at the rain fall.
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Dad came over yesterday. I was nice yet again. I don't know how this trend started. honestly. he used to annoy the hell out of me and all of the sudden I'm grinning as I answer the door and actually throwing out real sentences when I used to just shrug and mumble. well, anyway, I played some of the new music I've gotten since he last stopped by - not counting the other day where he banged on the door and I didn't hear him. I blame my ear still having a loss of hearing; I'm not sure. I had music on, so it could've been that. he made the whole desk shake with his beat tapping during a certain Bright Eyes song. I'm not sure what that was about, but for some reason I didn't get angry. I looked down at my hands and ignored it though. I cannot be entirely nice all at once. of course, beat tapping shows he likes something apparently. I'd really not like to see if he intensely liked something though. he may punch a hole through the wall in excitement.
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I got croissants and hash brown herb potato-y things recently. La Madeline's has the best of all. I got a croissant from Starbuck's today. I notice one difference between the two croissants. one tastes like it has sugar on it - an accidental sugar addition probably caused by being too close to the other pastries in the case. La Madeline's has their desserts in a case, too. they must keep them further apart there or something. I don't really remember. last I remember, I ordered a Tiramisu dessert there which came in a cup which was very different. I recall not liking it much and just mooshing it around and making a swirly design with the coffee center at the table making a face. uh yes.
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First thought after the past couple weeks of apatheticness happened yesterday. I felt the need to make out (it was probably cause of that John Mayer video I saw on vh1 last night while waiting for my new mix to finish burning; oooh yeaaah). it's probably not going to happen anytime soon in this lifetime. no one even notices I'm alive half the time. ah well.
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I've been thinking about last year for the past few days. there's alot I didn't like about last year, but one thing I do remember that I remember fondly is when Will visited. that was a monumental visit considering that no one had visited in a long time at that point and it made it easier for me to meet other people without waiting years to do so. I don't know. that's how I view it. anyway, I realised it has been a year yesterday since that event happened. it's hard to believe. I recall joking in the forum (I think it's been erased by now) that I was treating it in a date-like manner cause I was wearing makeup. of course, I did that when Dino came over two and a half years ago in a way; I even bought a new wardrobe to look presentable. I guess it was different there cause I didn't have a relationship. that's one thing I regret about last year.
Thoughts began all cause shaun kept attempting to talk to me last night after us not talking for months. I was irritated by his lack of elaboration and well, substantial thoughts. if you're going to talk, talk. don't just say "not much" or whatever. it has been ages! even I have stuff to say, but I didn't say any of it cause I was spiting him more than a sentence if he wouldn't give me more than two frikkin' words! I don't know why I'm still in a foul mood about him. it's over and done with. I wouldn't even be thinking about last year if he didn't message me.
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This has been quite a jumble of text. before I forget, Happy Birthday Lindsey! your gift is in the mail and should arrive either tomorrow or Wednesday. I hope you like it. the note included is sort've weird considering I was tired that night. pay no mind to that! anyway, hope the day was enjoyable. yay to not being a teen anymore! w00t!
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